Consider This Before You Move In Together – Part 2

Consider-this-before-you-move-in-together

The prospect of moving in together can sound very exciting and alluring. Cohabiting represents a whole new stage of the relationship when we begin to share our daily lives, learning more about our partner’s ‘quirks’ and effectively committing ourselves to sharing our physical and emotional resources. In our enthusiasm though, it is easy to neglect taking the time to truely explore our compatibility. Sometimes in a ‘whirlwind’ romance our passionate and all-consuming emotions simply takes us there and before you know it, you are doing ‘house’ together.

Taking the time to explore your partner’s values, beliefs and attitudes towards life and relationship is necessary to ensure that you are not setting yourself up for disappointment or hurt or even, in some instances abuse.

Here are 9 questions to consider and explore both privately and with your partner before you take this next step:

1. Do you feel respected in the relationship?

  • Are you listened to?
  • Do you feel heard?
  • Do you feel understood?
  • Does your partner accommodate for your needs?
  • Does your partner make spend quality time with you to nurture the relationship?
  • Is your partner respectful in the way they speak to you and behave towards you?
  • Do you feel safe with them?
  • Do you feel proud and comfortable in social situations with your partner?

If you answered in the negative to any of these questions it is important that you address this before you move in together. Believing that your partner will change once you have moved in together is self-deceptive and sets you up for significant emotional pain and frustration. Talking to a counsellor will assist you to clarify this issue.

2. What expectations/assumptions do you each have for the other?

  • Does your partner have certain expectations around the roles that you will perform in the household context? Do you have your own expectations or assumptions?
  • With regard to independence in the relationship, to what degree do we give up our independence to become a team?
  • How do we each experience the others family? Do you want to stay close to family? Does your partner like your family? How will their attitude effect you?

3. How does your partner talk about the opposite sex?

  • Are they respectful or demeaning? If your answer is in the negative, it is likely that your partner will eventually treat you with equal disrespect.

4. Do you know what your partner’s short-term/ long-term goals are? How might they impact the relationship? How might they impact you?

  • Is this a long-term or short-term relationship?
  • Do they want children? If so, when?
  • Do they want to travel? If so when?
  • Do they want to be married eventually or prefer a de-facto relationship?

5. What is your partner’s relationship like with their parents and siblings?

  • Are there any unresolved issues? How are they dealt with?
  • How do their parents deal with conflict? How does your partner deal with conflict?
  • How does your partner communicate within their family context?

Getting to know your partner’s family dynamics will give significant insight into how your partner is likely to react in your relationship, how they communicate and negotiate. Why not consider a couples session with a Family Therapist to learn and understand more about each other’s family dynamics?

6. Does your partner have a religious preference? How will that impact you and your relationship?

  • Do they adhere to particular rituals?
  • Do they hold to certain beliefs?

7. What is your partner’s relationship to money?

  • Is accumulating wealth a significant driver? How might that impact you and your relationship?
  • Does your partner talk to you about their finance?
  • How will you use your financial resources in relationship? Is it a shared resource or independent of each other? What might that say about the relationship and the level of trust?

The issue of finances within the relationship is a common theme of couple counselling. Becoming familiar with your partner’s attitudes and behaviour towards money is necessary for the health of your relationship.

8. What are the ‘rules’ about our relationship?

  • Is our relationship exclusive or does one of us want a more open relationship?
  • How will we share our material resources?
  • How will we negotiate time together and time with friends, family or independently?

Questions such as these are often only assumed but never discussed and therefore have the potential to become major stresses in the relationship.

9. How does your partner react to the word ‘no’?

  • Are you allowed to say ‘no’? Do you fear repercussions if you say ‘no’? Where there is strong coercion or manipulation or physical violence is applied so that you feel like you have to move in, that you have no alternative, it is a sure sign that everything is not as it appears to be. Seeking out a Counsellor to talk about this will give you further clarification and support.

Are you thinking about moving in together’? Do you want to take your relationship to the next level? Do you need the support of a professional to assist you in creating a healthy relationship? Contact Colleen 0434 337 245 for a FREE 10 minute consultation. If you are ready to book an appointment click the icon BOOK ONLINE NOW.

Consider this before you move in together – Part 1

Consider-this-before-you-move-in-together

Are you in a fairly new relationship and want to take it to the next level—are you thinking about moving in together?

There is no doubt that there are some very attractive benefits to moving in together: the convenience of having your own space to chill and relax, never having to say goodbye at the end of a great night or early the next morning, and the fact it is cheaper and highly preferable to living with your parents or a mate all come to mind.

But there are also some negative effects where a relationship is still young and untested. In our ‘I want it and I want it now’ culture, we have lost the ability to wait and need instant gratification. But what do you stand to lose if you move in to quickly?

If you are considering moving in with your partner, I expect that you are saying, “Other people might struggle when they move in together, but it will never happen to us. We are so deeply in love. We can’t get enough of each other. Living together would make it just perfect”.

But consider this for a moment: moving in too early in a relationship shortens the ‘honeymoon’ period. Remember the excitement, counting the hours, the longing, being deliriously happy just being together and laughing at your partner’s quirks? By cohabitating sooner than later, we inevitably trade the romance for the domestic routine of daily life. Long dinners over candlelight are swapped for quick meals in front of the TV, and finding out about your partner’s excessive cleaning (or lack of) habits can leave you in a bind.

Why is this?

In the early, heady days of a relationship, the brain releases a flood of feel-good chemicals, including Dopamine, which triggers specific physical reactions including making our cheeks flush, our palms sweat and our hearts race. Dopamine is the feel good chemical that creates feelings of euphoria, a natural high—effectively making us addicted to the object of our pleasure.

While there is an element of unpredictability to the relationship—the waiting, day dreaming, love notes, long conversations over the phone, stolen moments where nothing matters other than that you are together;the brain continues to produce large amounts of Dopamine. As a relationship becomes more fully established and we become increasingly familiar with each other, the brain produces less Dopamine and what was once new and exciting has become familiar, normal and even routine.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating that relationships never get beyond the excitement of those early days. In fact, it is necessary that a relationship develops beyond the honeymoon period so you face the world as a couple to establish home, family, career and the other life goals. Just don’t be too quick to get there. Our ‘honeymoons’ are  for a moment in time, when life takes on a euphoria like no other and we feel for a moment that, as long as the other is by my side, anything is possible.

So, if you are still in the early days of your relationship, don’t be too quick to take it to the next level and move in together. Enjoy the waiting and the longing, enjoy the thrill that comes just by being with the person you love, watch more sunsets together, go for more long leisurely walks along the beach holding hands, celebrate the milestones—one month, two months, six months, and savor the present.

Look out for our follow up article where we explore what else to consider before moving in together.

Are you thinking about moving in together’? Do you want to take your relationship to the next level? Do you need the support of a professional to assist you in creating a healthy relationship? Contact Colleen 0434 337 245 for a FREE 10 minute consultation. If you are ready to book an appointment click the icon BOOK ONLINE NOW.