How to calm your child (and yourself) during a meltdown

You are in the middle of a play ground, and your child is having a fully-fledged meltdown. There are angry tears, screaming, and no matter what you do, your child won’t stop.

What do you do?

You have entered the long-feared escalation cycle. Where the parent or guardian experiences the full throttle of a child’s emotions. Your reaction will depend on your relationship with the child, your environment and your mood that day.

Are you feeling Shame? Anger? Disappointment? Fear? Exhaustion? Annoyance? Guilty? Maybe you know why your child is reacting this way and you are annoyed you spot the signs earlier. Or perhaps everything was going well, and you think they are over reacting or being a pain?

Why yelling doesn't work

So you yell at them to get over it. Or you raise your voice and threaten them. Maybe you start with a low voice trying to reason with them, but as your child escalates more your voice rises until the entire playground knows you are having issues at home.

After a long time, your child eventually stops yelling, and finally moves. But you are both angry, annoyed, sad, exhausted and feel disconnected from one another. Parenting is hard, but so is being a kid.

The Escalation Cycle

Your emotional response to your child’s emotional escalation (aka tantrum or breakdown) is valid, but how you express that to the child could change the whole outcome of the scenario.

Martha B Strauss explains it like this:

Parent Reacts -> Child Feels -> Child Reacts -> Parent Feels -> Return to start

This is the cycle of escalation. The attachment between a parent/guardian and a child is always fluid, and as the child tries to understand the world they will naturally return to their home port: you.

You are their compass for safety, validation, boundaries and emotional regulation. It doesn’t always feel like that (especially if they are running in the opposite direction), but it’s true. So when your child does escalate, the best thing you can do is deescalate.

How do you feel about that?

So when your child is reacting to something, ask yourself HOW you feel. Angry? Frustrated? Powerless? Embarrassed? Annoyed? Indignant? Empathetic? And do you feel this way towards them, or towards yourself?

Once you know how you feel, you can CHOICE-FULLY respond. This way, you respond in a way that best serves your child, rather than projecting your own feelings on them (thus throwing you back into the cycle of escalation). So how can you DEESCALATE your child?

Start by DEESCALATING yourself. Unless your child is in danger, take a pause and take three deep breaths in and out. Then steady yourself and ask, “What does my child need right now?”

• Maybe they need you to kneel down at eye level and lead them through some deep breaths, or to remind them why we share toys.
• Maybe they are overdue for a snack.
• Perhaps it’s nap time.
• Or maybe they are hyped up on sugar or saw lots of people today, and their bodies are struggling to cope with the fall out.
• If they are obstinate, maybe they have felt unsafe in the past and are trying to figure out if they can trust you.
• If they are hyper and asking you to play, maybe they need a reminder that they are valued and loved.

However your child is reacting, remember IT’S NOT PERSONAL.  We can teach our children what to do with their emotions, but we can’t expect them to behave like adults.

Think about your childhood

And if you’re not sure how to respond, ask how YOU responded to a parent/guardian as a kid. There is a good chance that an adult who shamed you, yelled at you, and punished you for feeling big emotions didn’t build a healthy, trusted attachment with you. Instead, you would have been afraid of them, right?

If that was your childhood, break the pattern. You don’t have to be perfect. You won’t always get it right. But if you love your child and are willing to do what is best for them, you two will be just fine. So start by choice-fully responding to a situation, rather than reacting to it. It breaks the cycle of escalation, and will strengthen your relationship.