Valentine’s Day is here, and for some single people, it can be a lonely and vulnerable day. Some cope by flat out ignoring the holiday, while others re-create it for their own needs. They go out with friends, celebrate the sisterhood with ‘Galentine’s Day,’ or buy junk food and chow down.
Inevitably, many singles also dive back into the world of dating on Valentine’s Day. A swipe on Tinder, a gif on Bumble, or a blind date through a mutual friend are pro-active steps people can take in the hope’s that they will have someone to celebrate with next Valentine’s Day.
If that’s you, then it’s time to turn your relationship radar on so you can identify partners with potential and human red flags. Don’t let a sense of loneliness cause you to compromise or miss crucial signs this Valentine’s season. If you are looking for a committed, long term relationship, then these are the flags you need to keep your eyes out for.
Green Flags:
We all have non-negotiables in a relationship. Green flags are signs that a potential partner shares the same values and goals as you. Here are the ones you should seek out.
- A healthy sense of self: You want a partner who is confident in their identity, worth and confidence. They don’t want a partner to complete or heal them, but to add to their life.
- Great communication: Look for someone who is open, easy to talk to, and willing to dialogue when you have a disagreement.
- They have great community around them: You want a partner who has healthy, life giving relationships with the people around them. Why? It shows they value others, aren’t two faced, and are willing to commit to long term friendships.
- They have vision for the future: Does your blind date have hopes and dreams for the future? And are they taking proactive steps to get there?
- Respect: Does this person respect your boundaries, your body, your goals and your sense of self? You deserve to be with someone who sees you as an equal and doesn’t want to dominate you, but partner with you through life.
- Shared values: Look for someone who shares similar values with you around health, family, communication, sex, spirituality, wealth and lifestyle.
- They take responsibility for themselves: Does the person own their decisions, acknowledge their mistakes, and follow through for you and the people around them? They’re a keeper.
- Willingness to compromise: Look for someone who is willing to make a relationship work, and will do the hard yards with you to create a healthy, long-term relationship.
Amber Flags:
Every relationship involves compromise, and that means accepting the flaws and idiosyncrasies in each other. These aren’t necessarily deal breakers, but how the other person navigates these things, and how patient you are with this, will determine the future of your relationship.
- Different family backgrounds: If you were raised in a nuclear family, you will navigate the world differently to someone who was raised by a single parent, a guardian, or is a child of divorce. The background doesn’t matter so much, but the values, fears and habits instilled in us as children do impact us as adults. Are you both willing to work through your family trauma, fear and systems to create a healthy relationship together?
- Ongoing struggles with addiction or risk taking behaviour: If a person has experienced addiction and are now in recovery, you need to have a conversation about how they continue to manage that, and how you can support them. But if a person is still wrestling with this to the extent that are using, have relapsed recently, or have had previous relationships break down over it, they need to do some self work before you commit to them.
- Different religious beliefs: If religion is an important part of your life, then a partner has to either share this or respect this part of you. Have a conversation early on about the expectations you both have around religion and religious practice. If you expect the other to participate in religious practice, talk about it. If they are not comfortable with this, then move on. If you hope the person will convert and have an expectation of this, then you need to have a hard talk about if this is realistic.
- They already have kids: Children are wonderful, but they are also non-negotiables for the parent. Are you willing to become a parent, or build a relationship with their child? Do you have children, and need them to show an openness to this before you commit? If takes time to build a relationship and see if it goes anywhere, so allow space to see if there is anything serious before you agree to become mum or dad. If you sense the relationship has become serious, you need to consider whether you are willing to be a part of their children’s lives. If you’re not, you need to move on.
- They have a relationship with their ex: Plenty of people stay in contact with their ex, whether they stay friends, are in the same community, or share custody of a child. What this relationship looks like, and how it impacts their ability to commit to you, will shape your future. This is not a strike out, but a sign that there are outside elements that will affect your romantic relationship. You get to choose if you are comfortable with this and what realistic boundaries need to be put in place.
Red Flags:
These are the dealbreakers; the characteristics, behaviours, and details that scream “Run away!” A red flag doesn’t necessarily mean the person is ‘bad,’ but it does indicate they are unhealthy or not ready for a relationship with you.
- They stonewall and cut off communication: Don’t date someone who freezes you out when they are annoyed, plays games with your emotions, or is sporadic and non-committal in their communication with you. You deserve to feel stable and safe with a partner.
- They force you to cut off the people you love: A partner who makes you cut off communication with your family and friends is a walking red flag. The moment someone tries to isolate you from all community and control you, you need to leave. A healthy partner with try to integrate with your social circles, and vice versa.
- They need you to ‘save’ or ‘fix’ them: It’s not your job to save someone from their struggles, be it mental health, trauma, addiction, family estrangement or fear of commitment. You can support someone through these experiences, but if they are reliant on you to save or change their behaviour, you will both be disappointed, and heart broken.
- They don’t follow through: If your partner doesn’t do what they say, fulfill their obligations, show up when promised, or show a sense of responsibility and proof they are working to change, leave.
- They don’t respect your boundaries: A person who doesn’t respect your boundaries about time, space, money, sex and intimacy is not worth it. Don’t belittle yourself because they don’t share your values.
- They speak down to you, or about you: You deserve a partner who thinks the world of you and is proud to be seen with you. If someone is insulting you (even as a ‘joke’), critiquing you, or speaks poorly about you in public, they are not good enough for you.
- They won’t commit: If you are seeking a committed relationship, don’t stay with someone who won’t commit to you. Don’t wait around while they date other people or change your values because they pressure you to do so.
- They physically hurt or intimidate you, act without consent, or verbally abuse you: The moment you see signs of this, seek help and get out. Tell someone you trust and call 1800RESPECT.
