Have you ever had a conversation that has quickly gone south? You bring up something that is causing conflict, and the other person retaliates or shuts down. Before you know it, you’ve had a relationship breakdown or bust up and everyone feels unseen, unheard and unappreciated.
We’ve all been there. So much so, that we try to avoid conflict and are a chronic people pleaser. But that isn’t healthy either. Because eventually those grievances and annoyances rise up, and you will either blow up, or your body will shut down from trying to hold it all.
So what is the key to navigating conflict?
‘I’ statement’s.
And this isn’t some self-centered approach that ignores everyone else’s feelings or concerns. It is a way to identity your own emotions, take ownership of them, and set clear boundaries so the other person understands what you need.
Instead of saying, “You make me feel…” or “You are wrong,” you reflect back on yourself. It becomes “I feel like this when you say or do _____”. By simply changing the phrase from ‘you’ to ‘I’, you disarm the other person so they can empathise with you. That doesn’t mean you take responsibility for their behaviour, it invites them to reflect on their actions so you can find common ground. After all, your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard. But instead of entering a conversation in combat mode, you come with assertive peace.
Here is an example of how ‘I’ statement can work in your everyday life:
Your colleague Tess made a remark about you today that was at best unflattering. She laughed it off (so did everyone else), but it left you feeling uneasy and resentful. You feel like your work ethic and integrity has been questioned. It also discredited you in front of other staff members. You have known Tess for years, so in retrospect you know the ‘joke’ wasn’t malicious or intended to bully you, but she took it too far and you need to confront her about it to retain a healthy working relationship and friendship.
Option 1: You are pissed off and embarrassed. Tess should, and does know better and this was uncalled for. But you don’t want to approach her about it – she deserves a taste of her own medicine, so next time you are in a group setting you make a ‘joke’ about her marriage, which is struggling due to a work/life balance. Tess told you this in confidence, and is visibly devastated when you ‘joke’ about it publicly. She ices you out and refuses to communicate. It makes the work place an awkward, uncomfortable and toxic environment and you dread turning up each day.
Option 2: You don’t want this conflict to linger, you know it’s only going to make you angrier. So you call Tess out on it straight away by walking up to her desk, and towering over her while she sits at her computer. What begins as a softly spoken conversation at her desk turns into a full on shouting match. Accusations like, “You are a bad friend,” “You can’t take a joke,” and more come up, until you are both heightened and embarrassed. Your relationship may never recover, and your professional reputation has been shattered.
Option 3: You are feeling annoyed and angry at Tess, but you don’t want your emotions to control you. So you remove yourself from the situation and take a few minutes to catch your breath. You think about what happened and why it annoyed you. You realise Tess was out of line. If Tess had done this before, or has shown manipulative or cruel intent, you might choose to go straight to your boss. However, Tess is a long time friend so you know she has your best interests at heart. You make a time to chat with her over your lunch break when you are both outside on a walk (literal common ground). “Hey, when you said this about me this morning, I felt [insert emotion here]. Why did you say that?”
You give Tess time to consider her answer, and she tells you she didn’t mean anything by it. She may even apologise for embarrassing you. You accept her apology, and ask her not to do this again. You may also ask her to speak quietly with the co-workers who heard the comment, so they know she was just joking and you are not discredited. This makes her uncomfortable, but she agrees and your working relationship goes back to its normal, balanced pace.
Can you see how using ‘I” statements diffuses the situation? You can use ‘I’ statement with your spouse, partner, children, peers, colleagues and family members. The key is to remember that while your feelings are valid, so are there’s, so ‘I’ isn’t a weapon it is a peace offering. It moves you from a place of victimhood to assertiveness, empathy and equal power with the other.
In this case, the person knew and trusted Tess so reconciliation as possible. But in cases where there is a power imbalance, abuse has occurred, or this is repeat behaviour, it’s best to talk about it with a trusted friend, a counsellor, your boss or the authorities Then, if it is safe to approach the person you can do so with a mediator, or the backing of someone else.
We never know how people will respond to conflict. Even by using ‘I’ statements, some people will refuse to take ownership of their actions. In these cases, you need to set clear boundaries so they know their behaviour was not acceptable. But you can take comfort knowing you took the best step towards them, and tried to salvage the relationship in a healthy way.
Next time you have a conflict to resolve, try using ‘I’ statements. It can be a gamechanger in relationships.
Do you need help navigating conflict? Contact Colleen on 0434 337 245, Duncan on 0434 331 243 or Rachel on 0442177193 for a FREE 10-minute phone consultation on how we can best help you, or press book now and make an appointment.
