The holidays are here – is anyone else feeling stressed? Calendars are filled up, and I definitely don’t have enough festive Christmas sweaters for the dinners and holiday parties on my list. All of these plans and expectations can become overwhelming. A lot is out of my control at the moment and at Christmas is all heightens! But it helps to remember what IS IN MY CONTROL this holiday season. And that is my expectations.
Expectations are high this time of year. Aunt Jan probably expects you to cook the roast lamb perfectly (even though you’re a vegetarian). Cousin Andrew will likely become intoxicated by 2pm and ask you repeatedly when a baby is on the way. And your work Christmas party set a limit of $50 on the Kris Kringle – so you know you have to purchase something worth at least $60 (meaning you will live on Two Minute Noodles for a week to cover the cost).
What a headache. We can’t control what our relatives, friends or colleagues expect of us this time of year – but we can adjust our expectations of ourselves. Instead of striving to become everything we think others want us to be, we can choose to run our own race. Basically, instead of expecting yourself to a be superhuman robot these holidays, allow yourself to be imperfectly you. I know, easier said than done. Here are a few ways you can adjust your expectations this season:
- Be ok with saying ‘No’
Start with the hardest one first, right? Just because people expect you to do things, doesn’t mean you have to do them! You can decline invitations, say no to more drinks, and refuse to get caught up in the stress projected from your in-laws. If you’re not sure IF you can say no, ask yourself, “Do I want to do this?” and “Is it important I do this?” And remember, you don’t have to justify your response, just deliver it firmly but kindly.
- Don’t expect yourself to be better than everyone else
You don’t need to impress everyone by having a shinier, more decadent Christmas Party than colleague Stacy. Your Kris Kringle gift does not need to exceed the monetary limit because everyone else’s does. And you don’t have to send everyone a Christmas card or newsletter (unless you want to). What makes the holiday season special for you? Lean into that and try to let go of what it ‘should’ be.
- It’s okay to feel lonely and sad
Everyone expects you to be happy and merry over the holidays. And truthfully, it can be easier to mask our pain and pretend all is well when people ask! But if you are struggling this season – with grief, anxiety, loneliness, depression or (insert other uncomfortable emotion here), don’t expect yourself to ‘get over it’ and be ‘happy’.
You can find joyful moments this month, and you deserve them! But you can’t flip a switch on your emotions. So honour them! That doesn’t mean you emotionally unload on everyone you see (a simple “how are you” turns into a 20-minute monologue on your pain), but it gives you the ability to hold space for the light and shade of the season. Find people you trust to talk to about your feelings and give yourself some grace when you don’t experience the tidings of joy everyone else seems to have. Leave early, have a nap, or watch a movie you can cry to. When needed, call your country’s helpline for a listening ear 24/7. In Australia, just call 13 11 14.
- Stop trying to make everyone happy
Ouch, did anyone else flinch at this one? Because as a people pleaser, I hate the idea of disappointing people. Or worse – having them dislike me because I didn’t meet their expectations. Even the ones I made up in my own head! But it’s time to put this expectation of making everyone else happy to bed, because it’s overrated and impossible.
Here’s the deal, next time someone expects you to be or do something that you don’t want to do (or can’t!), don’t try to meet their standard, set your own boundary. So if Aunty Jan expects you to cook a perfect roast lamb, tell her you will happily cover a salad and dessert instead, and ask her to delegate the lamb to someone else. When Cousin Andrew brings up the fact you don’t have a baby on the way, respond by saying, “That’s an inappropriate question, and I don’t feel comfortable answering it.” Or, to make it ‘lighter’, just ask him, “So, when is your baby on the way?” And if family expects you to stay with them over the holidays, set your own agenda. Stay at a nearby hotel, say what time you will arrive and leave, or set up an alternate date for holiday celebrations.
I’m sorry to say, but you will not have a perfect Christmas. You will not impress everyone, please everyone, or do everything right. Instead, have an authentic, meaningful Christmas – right down to the ripped wrapping paper, the messy house, and the awkward conversations. You’re only human, after all. And that’s enough.
Are you a people pleaser? Do you struggle to say no? Watersedge is now taking bookings for the new year. Contact Colleen on 0434 337 245, Duncan on 0434 331 243 or Rachel on 0442177193 for a FREE 10-minute phone consultation on how we can best help you, or press book now and make an appointment.
