We all know that life can change in a second. And when the unexpected occurs – like chronic illness, a terminal diagnosis, or a life changing injury, it doesn’t just change for the person affected. It also impacts the people who act as their primary carers.
Some parents experience this from the birth of a child, and not only are they raising a newborn, but they are navigating hospital visits, diagnoses and the unexpected. Other people find this happens after an injury or accident, altering their loved one’s ability to work, function or talk. Perhaps your spouse or parent has a degenerative disease or is ageing, and your relationship has changed form. And then there are plenty of people affected by addiction or mental ill health, and over the course of their life you are a solid rock as they navigate anxiety, trauma, depression and recovery.
Parent, sibling, friend, partner, child or spouse – anyone can take on the role of carer. And often, it is a role we are thrust into because of love, duty and survival. In itself, being a carer is one of the most noble and brave things are person can do out of love – but it doesn’t feel that way. And the isolation, exhaustion and platitudes that come are half the battle. The truth is, there are seconds, minutes, days and years when life is a hard slog and nothing seems to change. Meanwhile, the rest of the world appears to be living their life, and you are repeating the same crucial patterns over and over.
We could make a list of ‘5 self care tips for carers’ and it would be useful – except it can be hard to find to practice self care when you are the source of survival for another human being. So, if the idea of taking on a new activity – even one like self care – is overwhelming, then remembering these three affirmations will help you survive, find rest and access the help you deserve. Close your eyes and repeat them to yourself every time life feels like too much to bear.
- “It doesn’t all depend on me”
This mantra is counterintuitive for the carer – because often there is no one else who can take on your role. You know what triggers your loved one, what each gesture or sound means, what their routine looks like, and more than anyone, you see the humanity in them. So this phrase isn’t discrediting your unconditional love and hard work as a carer – it is a reminder that you can’t, and shouldn’t, have to do everything.
You are not a robot, and even the most high-functioning person struggles in your position. So instead of expecting yourself to be a superhero, have some grace. It’s okay if you have a bad day. It’s okay if you need a break, and a family member needs to fill in. It’s okay if you need to look at alternative recovery or care options because you also have dreams, hopes or just need to sleep. It is not always possible to access the additional support you need straight away. But use this a reminder that you are deserving of it. When you feel able, ask for help – or even just a break.
- “I am not alone”
Being a carer can be a lonely task that runs to its own chaotic schedule. The people around us won’t always be available to connect when we are, or we feel like they don’t understand what we do. Saying “I am not alone,” is a reminder that you are not the only person on this journey. You also deserve a support network – friends, colleagues, professionals and family, who love you and your family member. If you don’t yet have a support network, reach out to health professionals and ask for their recommendations. You will find community groups and activities that other carers attend, and they will relate to you in a way other people can’t.
- “I am enough”
When we care for a loved one, there is a sense that we can never give enough of ourselves. The pain or trauma is never ending, so we can never quite give our loved one peace. And no sooner have we taken them to their latest appointment, helped with a meal, or showered them, then we have to repeat the cycle again. Like life, the cycle of care goes on and on. And that’s what makes it such a grand yet unseen form of love – you give of yourself day after day because you love them.
On the days when you feel inadequate, powerless, resentful, tired or depressed remember this truth : “I am enough”. You are not a perfect carer – no one is. But no one else loves this person quite like you. Let your love be enough. And on the days the love becomes hazy with pain, annoyance and irritability, remember that love. Just because you don’t feel it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Are you a carer? Would you like a safe place to talk and be heard as you navigate life? Call Colleen on 0434 337 245 or Duncan on 0434 331 243 for a FREE 10-minute phone consultation on how we can best help you, or press book now.
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