Relationship Issues: When Secrets Come Out – 12 Reasons to Choose Mercy Over Justice

When secrets come out in a relationship they have a devastating impact;

How do you deal with all of this?

Do you follow your anger and demand justice or do you follow your sadness and seek to understand and reconcile?

In times like this, our brain responds by going into a fight/flight response.

As you ruminate on the injustice of the situation, hurt and anger will insist that you  deserve justice.

In certain situations, such as when human life has been violated or the secret-keeper has no remorse, justice may be the better option.

However, many relationships can be repaired and healed when you deliberately choose mercy towards your partner.

1. Justice says ‘I am right’; Mercy says ‘our relationship is more important than me being right’.

2. Justice is about me; Mercy is about your partner.

3. Justice creates distance; Mercy invites closeness.

4. Justice seeks revenge; Mercy seeks to understand and forgive.

5. Justice is polarising; Mercy is inclusive.

6. Justice creates a win/lose or lose/lose situation; Mercy has the potential to create a win/win situation.

7. Justice is black and white, right and wrong; Mercy understands that life is never black and white, that I never know the whole complexity of a situation or the person/s within it.

8. Justice resents; Mercy heals.

9. Justice is more reactive; Mercy is less reactive.
10. Justice punishes; Mercy restores.

11. Justice creates more victims, more conflict; Mercy ends conflict.

12. Justice is repaid with resentment, bitterness and hate; Mercy is repaid with kindness, gratitude and love.

It takes courage and integrity to act mercifully towards your partner when they have betrayed you by keeping their secret. Ask yourself how important  this relationship is to you. Your answer will provide direction to how you respond to your partner as you continue to process this new information. Justice may ‘feel good’ but it does not repair a damaged relationship. Mercy, on the other hand, invites your partner to reconnect and talk openly and honestly.